Losing Hannah
Monday, April 12, 2010
By: Michelle Wiginton

Losing Hannah in a Sea of Cotton Balls

Hannah was the most beautiful baby that ever was or ever shall be for me. She had red ringlets of baby soft hair, sparkling blue eyes and alabaster skin with the slightest hint of freckles across her nose. Hannah was a very bright child whose intelligence was but a promise of the future ahead for her. She was kind, loving and her laughter was like bottled sunshine on a cloudy day. Hannah was perfect. But she was never real.

Hannah was the name that I had chosen for the child I would someday have with my husband. We talked about her daily, saw other children and took the best parts of them to make up our Hannah. We dreamed of what she would look like and of all the things we would do with our sweet girl. I loved Hannah, or at least the thought of her, almost as much as I loved real people. Hannah would be the child I “raised right” now that I was older, wiser and better able to afford a child. She would keep me young, as she grew and be a joy to her older half-brothers. She would join my husband and I together like an unshakable bond. But Hannah only lived in the recesses of our minds and I lost her for good one morning in a sea of cotton balls.

My husband’s doctor only gave him a 50/50 chance of ever being able to father a child, and that only if he underwent a costly surgery that insurance would not cover and that we could not afford. I was the last woman in my family who had not had a hysterectomy and my deteriorating health demanded that I go through with the surgery. I was angry when the nurse paraded me by the nursery on the way to my hospital room. I was mad at the pregnant girls I saw in the waiting room with loving hands on their protruding stomachs. I was hurt that God never saw fit to give me the baby girl I had always dreamed of having. Yet, God sent me a hug in the form of one very petite nurse who came to prep me for my early morning surgery.

I cannot remember her name, but a smiling face burst into my room of gloom and she acted as if this was not one of the darkest days of my life. She chatted about this and that and saw to my comfort as if I was her sole patient. Then, she asked me if I had children and I told her about my wonderful son. “You are so blessed,” she said. “I see so many girls in here every day, much younger than you are, who will never know what it feels like to hold their baby in their arms. You are lucky to have had the chance to raise a child of your own. I had to have a hysterectomy, too, but God used me to raise three adopted children and I would not change my experience for the world.”

Blessed? Me? I guess I had been blessed to have such a wonderful son in Halston and having him had brightened each day of my life. I could still look forward to blessing my grandchildren, my stepsons, Halston’s friends, and the host of other young people that come in and out of my life. God wasn’t punishing me by not letting me have a child; He just had another path in mind for me to take at this time. By the time I saw the inside of the operating room, I no longer felt sorry for myself and mad at God for taking Hannah from me. I was thankful for Halston and all the many years behind and in front of me that we would share. I know that the Lord held my hand as I drifted off into the anesthesia and He listened quietly as I told Him all about the girl that I had dreamed of for so many years. Then, as if looking through a sea of cotton balls, I gave Hannah to God and I let her go once and for all. Slowly blinking again, I saw an austere recovery room filled with doctors, nurses and a newly healed woman who was not going to hold onto what could never be, but who was thrusting her loving spirit around what should be in her world.

Being in God’s perfect will is not about getting everything you want, it is about taking everything you are given and using it to glorify the Giver. Living in God’s perfect will is not always fun, easy or where you might want to be, but it is where you will grow, mature and receive mighty blessings if you are willing to accept His direction for your life. God’s map for your life is not set in stone, with a strict list of directions to heaven. It is a perpetual, living pathway that leads where you need to go, when you need to be there. If you choose to take another path, you will be on someone else’s road that will lead you right back to where you left your own path…time and time again until you get back on the right path. If you decide not to go any further and stop on your path, then you will not receive all the blessings that God has in store for you on the way to your final destination. No, it is much easier to just keep putting one foot in front of the other on your own path and following where the Lord might lead you. He will show you flowers and scenery beyond comparison. He will hold your hand through the dense forests, rushing rivers and high mountain passes. He will take you where you need to be to become the best “You” you can be. What other map can promise you such great treasure?

Letting go of a dream that I had fostered and fed since childhood was not something that I wanted to do, because it meant letting go of the pain and loss that accompanied that memory as well. I had to release the fantasy and grasp reality to realize that my future lay in another direction and that I would miss what God had for me if I continued to live in a past that never really was in the first place. Giving Hannah to God allowed me to turn a corner in my life and start off in another direction full of promise. I know not where this path leads, but I know that I am not alone and I no longer feel the pain and loss that had previously come with thoughts of Hannah. She was at peace now and so was I. Looking back, I see no familiar or painful sights because of the bend in my road. Looking forward, I see all I ever wanted in new and exciting forms. I guess He really does know best. Are there things in your life you need to let go….and let God handle?
 

Comments

WOW!!!

Jennifer, Monday, April 12, 2010

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thank you for sharing this- what great reminders and encouragement.

rachel, Monday, April 12, 2010

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thanks for sharing. Gods will is perfect no matter what. :)

Michelle, Tuesday, April 13, 2010

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I too had a "Hannah"...the baby girl I dreamed of having since childhood. When my son was born, there was a twinge of disappointment for me, mixed with the joy of a healthy baby. Many years later (including a divorce and no susequent husband) my dream had not died. Instead, I received the greatest gift - the priviledge of adopting the most beautiful baby girl. She was a "safe surrender" baby - I've had her since she was 6 days old. She's mine and I'm here's...100% completely. The fact that I didn't carry her for 9 months, that she doesn't have my genes is dwarfed by our bond - the mother/daughter bond I wanted for so long. As the old saying goes "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life". My "Hannah" is 2 now and I know we were meant to be together. Adoption is as much a gift as giving life...more so really because someone's selflessness allowed me to be a little selfish. My point in this post is that you don't have to let go of your dream. I went through county social services - it took me just 2 years from application to placement. My son and daughter are 17 years apart - I got to be a new mommy twice and I'm loving every minute of it.

Susan, Tuesday, April 13, 2010

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Wow what an inspiration you are!

Sandra, Tuesday, April 13, 2010

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I got a lot of inspiration out of you story. i am an infeertility mom and have 2 special boys and an adopted daughter. theyare 25.20 and 19 and lost an ectopic baby between my 2 boys. Yes GOD DOES have a final plan. my 19 yr old presented us with a wonderful granddaughter on 1/14/10. she has no father but it DOESN'T MATTER AS she is getting her life together and living @ home with our darling granddaughter. she is living proof that we CAN have children.

carolyn marshall, Wednesday, April 14, 2010

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God so has a plan! Thanks so much for sharing Michelle. As being a mom of 4 adopted children and having gone through years of infertility treatments I can relate.

Kim, Thursday, April 15, 2010

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Wow, your words you wrote, I thought maybe I had written it and forgot. I waited till latter in life to marry and did the whole infirtitly road. I had always imagine myself as a mom to many but I ended up a mom to none. It was'nt until I turned it over to God to show me what to do next since being a mom was not it. As a nurse I at first thought I was a mom to every pedi cancer patient that I treated everyday, you see I became their mom when there mom and dad left every day, The void was still their, Instead of listening to what God was trying to tell me I told him what I was doing. Working with a foster child that had cancer was the day that I woke up and really listened to what God had to say. All along it was in his plan to have me marry later in life to the wonderful husband he chose and nursing was a second career for me. Caring for that foster child inspired me to give it all to God and with him in the lead I adopted 2 little boys 6 years ago that were 3 and 5 year old brothers. 3 years ago I adopted a 14 month old little girl. His plan was very clear now that I look back, He had a plan and waited for me to let him do his job he blessed me and made me feel whole and complete. Every morning and night when I kiss each rosy cheek, I silently say a prayer thanking God for his blessing. I too had a hysterectomy and I never understood why I was on the floor with the new moms or heard the babies cry when part of being a women was ripped out of me that never got used for what I wanted most a child. I reentered that why me phase while I spend several days in the hospital, when I returned home and was surround by my 3 gifts from God he reassured me I was still a woman and a mother. He reminded me that he has to have moms to be mothers to those who don't have one to provide them love. Now when my mind strays I remember that "God made me special" and I am special because of his blessing. Long winded I know but blogging is the best therapy I have recently discovered. Kathy/ soccer mom of 3

Kathy Soccer and snack mom of 3, Thursday, April 22, 2010

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